This Just In: Heavy Metal Is "Old People Music"

Metal Nation have discovered that more than eighty per cent of teenage voters felt that music from the 1980s and 1990s was music for "old people."

Using results from (non-existent) data collection service Data-Goliath, the poll, which was centered on people aged between twelve to fifteen, asked if music by bands including Metallica, Disturbed, and Korn was "old people music." More than half of the poll's answerers agreed.

The poll went on to proclaim that more than 90% of answers showed that teens would prefer to listen to Justin Bieber than the aforementioned bands. 

“My parents listen to these bands all the time and I’m like oh my god turn this crap off and play Twenty One Pilots,” said one teenager.

The survey collected over 300 individual entrants from school students across California and Nevada.

To quote the conclusion of this wonderful satire:

"Data-Goliath surveyed more than 300 teenagers at schools in California and Nevada. The teens were given cigarettes and Aristocrat Royal Vodka for participating in the study.

"In addition to the questions about music, the teens were asked who the current president is. The multiple choice options were A. President Obama B. Donald Trump and C. Bernie Sanders and D. fam.

"More than 38% of the teenagers surveyed selected ‘fam’ as their answer."

Image: MusicFeeds